Sure, weed is legal in some parts of the U.S. But if you’re not living in those places, then — well — you have to do what most people do: buy marijuana discretely from a dealer. Now, we hear a bunch about product. About the quality and type of bud or concentrate or oil or edible. We hear about the wide range of devices for smoking or otherwise ingesting cannabis.
But we don’t hear much about that essential and hugely crucial part of the whole operation: who you buy your weed from matters! It can make or break the experience of enjoying ganja. It can fill you with elation and excitement, or with anxiety and frustration.
3 Species of Dealer to Be Avoided Like The Plague
There are different types out there, and of course, everyone is unique. And I mean no offense if I’m stereotyping here. But considering that most clients of dealers are usually too petrified or lack the confidence to speak bluntly to their weed dealer, they might learn something here about being a better business person, and maybe even a better human being.
The “My Clients Are My Friends” Dealer
To be brutally honest, nothing is sadder than the dealer who takes up his occupation so that he has a regular supply of needy weed-fiends to hang with. You know the type. So you want to get in and out but are worried that hurting your dealer’s feelings will make you lose the connect.
You show up, trying to score something on your way out for the night — because you have a life and plans, and a hot date — and there he is, on the couch with the Xbox on. He’s so inviting, passing you the bong, gesturing toward the cold pizza, the bottle of Beam.
You know that giving in means you’re stuck for at least an hour getting pwnd at Halo, but you know there’s no other way to get what you came for. It’s too late for you, my friend. Time to start looking for a better hookup.
A good dealer won’t make you feel trapped, even if they prefer you hang out a bit. From one perspective, it makes sense not to let the neighbors see a bunch of folks coming in and out for short visits.
Kinda obvious tell. So some dealers want you the chill for a bit to make it seem like a casual drop in. But the good ones will entertain you with talk about the strain, with a nice toke on the house. He’ll let you examine the goods and share his expertise on his shit with you. A good dealer that is…
The “Gives You a Bag of Shake” Dealer
Okay, so the worst dealer would have to be one who provides you with a light bag. A few tenths of a gram or more underweight, and you haven’t just found a bad dealer, you’ve found a subhuman piece of garbage.
If anything, dealers should round up when measuring out your stash. It’s no big deal to them, but it sure as hell means a lot to the customer. Want people to come back buying from you, show ’em a little love!
But what about the dealer who gives you the right amount of your money, but who skimps on the trunky nugs?
What am I supposed to do with this oregano in the bottom of my bag, bro? Any weed dealer who gave a damn about his rep wouldn’t be caught dead handing out the shake that’s accumulated in the bottom of his supply.
If you’ve gotta fill a bag with even a little shake, you’re actually out of stock, and have no business selling to anyone!
Even if you like a bit of shake as a bowl-topper or for a blunt, wouldn’t you rather have ground up your sticky nug? Of course, you would. That’s why shake-selling dealers should be avoided like the snakes they are.
Good ones give you trunky nugs bereft of bare stems and shake. The best dealers, and ones who know how to make the experience relaxing and enjoyable for their customers, they let you pick your nugs because they’re proud of their shit.
The “Expects You To Smoke A Bowl From Your Bag” Dealer
At first glance, this seems like the same as the dealer who expects you to hang. But that’d be dead wrong, brother.
The dealer who expects you to hang and thinks you’re friends or something, he smokes you out hard. He wants to keep you there, for-ev-er.
This other species of dealer, he’s got a real problem. He may want you to hang or not, but if he does, he’s not even willing to be a good host.
This scum lets it be known that your connect hinges on whether or not you unroll that bag he’s just sold you and “throw in” on a session. Sure, he’ll pack a bowl, maybe two. But why for f*ck’s sake would he expect you to do the same?
Imagine going to a bar, ordering a draft, and then having to pour some of your beer out in your bartender’s glass. Or imagine going to a restaurant, and sharing a bite of your entree with your server.
It’s insane. The dealer who expects you to burn some of your stash in some perverse sacrifice or sign of respect is someone whose number should just be deleted from your phone, and perhaps from your memory entirely.
The Ideal Dealer: What Does It Take?
So what, then, makes an ideal dealer? Reddit is full of all kinds of praise from people for their dealers, and they paint a pretty clear picture of what a good dealer is.
A Good Dealer Is More Like A Weed Giver Than a Dealer
They hook it up, plain and straightforward. Samples of new products, heavy bags, the occasional freebie. I knew a dealer who used to give a friend a big ass jar of hash oil–which he just made from his clippings–every couple times he stopped by… which leads me to my next…
A Good Dealer Comes To You
Delivery service. Now that’s what we’re talking about. All the joys of cannabis without ever having to leave your home. A dealer who runs a delivery service and who shows up on time? That’s like finding a unicorn. Made of weed!
A Good Dealer Is Discrete
We come back to an important point: a good pot guy knows how to keep things on the dl. I’ve known clowns who would send out mass texts with catchy limericks or other slogans advertising their new product. You know about the NSA right? Like they are watching that sh!t always!
Another story has to do with a dealer who once showed up barefoot with a forty and a joint tucked behind his ear while someone was having dinner at home with their parents. Not cool, dude! Not cool!
A Great Dealer Will Give Credit Where Credit’s Due
If you’ve been a loyal, regular customer of a merchant, you should have established enough of a rapport and trust with them. So say you’re short on cash one day or just couldn’t get to the ATM but need that sticky asap.
A great dealer will front you some green when you’re short on greenbacks yourself. If you’ve found yourself in this kind of a relationship with a dealer who makes you feel valued and makes himself available, you’re a lucky person indeed. Hold on to that one!